Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Making Up

I suppose I should put equal effort into a post about how D is NOT a huge ass. While I was angrily writing yesterdays post I think it was finally dawning on him that this wasn't just a 'disagreement' and that I was actually upset as he made a few attempts to engage in a more casual conversation, but I refused.

I then went upstairs to bed where I read a book. He followed shortly after and silently came up to me and gave me a hug. Of course I had decided to still be 'mad' at him and didn't say anything.

D is not a fighter, he avoids arguments...and by avoid I mean PHYSICALLY avoids, he will leave a room if it looks like I'm going to argue with him. (Which is interesting since he seems to enjoy pushing my buttons all the time and listen to me 'lecture him' but once it gets serious he gets the hell out of there). So when I didn't make any comments after the hug he went back downstairs to play video games.

Of course I seem to be completely incapable of ever holding a grudge when it comes to him so when we woke up this morning and he asked if I was still mad at him I said no.

Men might not be completely stupid....

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Tonight I asked D what he thought of putting our future children in private school verses public. Of course when he found out it cost $10,000/year or more he was completely against it, stating that it was a waste of money. I, of course, disagree but don't really feel that its a decision that needs to be done anytime soon.

Some how the conversation turned to adoption, and how if I couldn't have children (my OB-GYN says she expects me to get pregnant easily in the next few months so this isn't an issue yet...) we would adopt. Apparently D extremely disagrees with this idea. He says that if I can't have children we would adjust and live our lives without kids. To me this is the worst idea I've ever heard him have.

In fact I told him that if that day ever came and he refused I would leave and adopt on my own. You would think at this point that he would realize that maybe this is extremely important to me and that he would at least meet my half way by saying that we could discuss this if it ever became an issue but nope he insists that he wouldn't want to raise 'someone else's kid', that he wouldn't be able to bond or something like that.

My agruement is that if he can bond with his stupid cat (okay we have 3 cats, 2 of which were mine and 1 that was his before we got together - he has a ridiculous attachment to his and I kind of hate it because of that...and by hate, I mean I get jealous of a stupid cat on more then one occasion) then I'm sure he could bond with an adopted child. He then says "That's silly he's not human, its not the same thing". Which I agree "HE'S NOT HUMAN" and yet he loves him. At this point I'm ready to cry because I'm so frustrated with him that I tell him I am really mad at him and end the conversation.

I don't think he gets how important this is as he tried to start up another trivial conversation. I'm currently ignoring him.

Now I realize that in all likelihood this will NEVER be a real issue but it still pisses me off that he can be so shallow. I also realize that if it were a real issue he would probably come around once he saw how important it was to me. It doesn't change the fact that I'm currently frustrated.

Men are stupid. Period.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Why child care scares the bejeezes out of me...

Since I already started talking about child care, kinda, in my previous post I figure I should just continue on that thread.

One of the biggest unknowns for me about starting a family is what will happen after my MAT leave ends and our child turns 1. Ideally I would love to spend as much time as possible with our child(ren) during the first 5 years, before they enroll into kindergarten but I also realize a few important points:
  1. If I want a second child I want to qualify for MAT leave again, which means I need to get the required hours to do so in the 52 weeks prior to the second birth.
  2. D and I live a certain lifestyle, we aren't over spenders or huge partiers but we also aren't extremely thrifty, which means that not having my income would suck. We would have to rework our budget to either stop/reduce our retirement savings investments or cut out a huge amount of 'extras'.
  3. I actually enjoy my job and would like to continue to work.
If I were to go back to work after my MAT leave, which seems the most likely outcome, I need to consider what I will do for child care.

D's mother is retired and would probably love looking after our child(ren) but I don't think it is a realistic option to have her be our full time daycare for the following reasons:
  1. She lives 30 minutes outside of the city. If I were to drop the child(ren) off in the morning it would mean that I would have to leave over an hour before my work started as I'd be driving in the opposite direction and then doubling back. Alternatively she could come to our place every day but then we would want to compensate for her fuel (which would still be cheaper then public/private daycare centres/homes). This also would be difficult on bad road days, meaning I would end up calling in 'sick' those days.
  2. I'm not sure she would like to commit to babysitting 5 days a week. She also checks in on her mother and sister weekly, as well as takes substituting positions as an EA (educational assistant - which is what she did before retirement) once in awhile. We would not be compensating her her lost wages so that isn't fair to her.
  3. I don't really want her to be the one to parent our children instead of me. I think D's parents are wonderful, generous people that raised two great guys BUT I do NOT agree with a lot of their views on things, specifically pertaining to minorities...
I think that I would be able to work out a way that I could work from home 2-3 days of the week and since most of my job isn't time sensitive I could be flexible as to when I put those hours in; during nap time or when D came home from work. This would leave me only needing child care for the other half.

Options for this could be:
  1. My mother-in-law for at least one of these days. I think asking her to commit to one day a week would look after some of the above issues and also allow her time with her grandchild(ren).
  2. Licensed Child Care at a centre (if I can find one that accepts part time spots AND is somewhere that I would want my child attending) which costs $27/day until they are 2 and then $18/day until 5...not cheap
  3. Unlicensed Child Care at some one's home (again if I can find one that accepts part time spots AND I trust to take my child) which can cost even more then licensed child care.
  4. Childcare Swap with another mother (or two!), where I would look after their child once a week and they would watch mine once. This is something that I would ideally like to do but ONLY if I could find one or two mothers that I other words friends.
  5. Nursery/Preschool which is an option once they are 3 and then I need to look into somewhere like Balmoral Hall, as I mentioned in the previous post, or a public centre which I don't know how much it would be.
If I can't work from home part time and need to go back full time I will be looking at 20% or more of my net income going to child care in the first year. When I go back to work after the second child that will jump to 30% or more until they are both in Kindergarten. This is doable but not desirable since our budget will already be accommodating 10% of our net income for the presence of a child in our house. Basically child's aren't cheap and I am so happy that we are not low income earners as I'm not sure how they do it!

Public or Private

I am all about planning ahead and I thought my research had been very comprehensive but then I had a conversation with my friend this morning at the gym, about the Baby & Kids Show that she went to on the weekend with her husband. She is due in July and is just as much of a planner as me so our conversations tend to come back to her pregnancy and our shared ideas of parenting (cloth diapers, breast feeding, etc) as well as discussions on things we don't exactly see eye to eye on but respect each others view points (specifically natural birth...I say hell no, bring on the drugs...).

I had asked whether it was worth attending, and was not surprised to hear that it was much like the Wedding Show, great for those that haven't done any research on their own but not much new. Although she said there were a few booths of interest. One of them being Balmoral Hall.

Balmoral Hall is an ALL GIRLS private school that offers child care (2-3years), preschool (3-5years), as well as a K-12 program. She is considering putting her daughter, if that is what she has, into their program starting at the preschool level, part time, and then K-12.

I love the idea of offering my future children the best education possible for them in our city and perhaps an all girls school would offer that.

From their website:
At Balmoral Hall School, our goal is not simply to teach an enriched curriculum. Our programs are designed to build confidence, competence and what experts call "connectedness", which refers to being a meaningful part of something other than self. Our mission is to help girls build well-balanced foundations for personal and professional success in a changing world.

Our teachers understand how girls learn. They are dedicated to bringing out the best in each girl, by encouraging her strengths and providing support in areas that are more difficult for her. While our programs are demanding and our expectations high, the atmosphere is co-operative and supportive. It is an environment in which every girl feels free to believe in herself, to speak out and take academic risks.

The success of the BH approach is evident. On average, 99% of our graduates attend the university or college of their choice, and over 75% benefit from scholarships. In addition, our students are more likely to pursue careers in math, science and technology than girls in co-ed public schools."

This is of course ONLY an option if we end up having daughters. The next question is what do we do if we have two kids and ONE of them is a boy? I don't think putting our son in public school and daughter in private seems to be fair but the majority of private schools in our city are predominately CHRISTIAN based programs. As D is agnostic at best and I do not identify with any particular religion, I don't feel that these schools would best represent what we want our children to learn. I don't mind a mild religious undertone, which Balmoral Hall apparently has (as in prayer in the morning) but I don't want my children attending bible classes as part of their curriculum.

There is one other private school, which is co-ed, that I think is an option and that is St. John's Ravenscourt. My main concern is that its tuition is $2000 more/year then Balmoral, which is one thing is the child is only in it for high school but all the way through K-12 makes it quite pricey.

Another option is Montessori for our future sons but that is only offered until grade 4 so we would still need to determine whether they would enter public or private afterwards and currently I only see SJR as a private option for them.

And then there is public schools...which is a whole other bunch of questions.

So now I will be looking into the best options. At least figuring out what will happen for preschool.


I completely dropped the ball this weekend! So much for posting everyday for 30 days. I will attempt to compensate by posting 3 different posts today.

Lets see if I can do it...

Friday, February 24, 2012


This weekend I'm finally at home and don't have major events/commitments that take up entire days. Technically I have an osteopath appointment tomorrow and we are going to our monthly dinner party in the evening but its freer then most weekends!

So my plan tomorrow is to shop for a desk/table to put in my office/craft room and I am really excited! I can't wait to actually set that room up so that I can use it rather then sitting at the dinning table to write these posts and other stuff.

I am going to check out Habitat for Humanity's ReFit Store and hopefully can find something there but if that fails I'm going to Costco and picking up something there.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, February 23, 2012


One of the things I want to do more of is crafts. I love DIY...Martha is my hero...don't even care that she went to jail (don't get me started). Luckily I have an awesome friend that also enjoys everything DIY and one of things she's great at is crocheting, something I know next to nothing about.

{One of clutches she made for my bridesmaids and me, for my wedding}

We try to get together once a week, if our schedules allow it, and a month ago we went shopping for yarn and a crochet hook so that she could teach me. We have been distracted with other things for a while but tonight she helped my practice again.

I hope to one day be able to make something like this:

Once I tackle crocheting, sewing things out of felt is next on the list.

This weekend I plan to buy a desk/work table so that I can set up my office/craft room. Very excited!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


For the last few weeks I have been covering two desks while we work to replace the AR/Payroll clerk position. We have hired internally for the role but she won't be moving over to our division until she has a replacement. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I could let some of this roles stuff slide for awhile but everything in this position is time sensitive which means MY stuff has been sliding.

In an attempt to still meet my deadlines for BOTH roles I have been putting in extra hours, specifically on Wednesdays when payroll is run. Tonight, much like last week, I JUST got home. I finally decided to call it a night at 10:45 when the silence of the office was starting to freak me out. I started thinking some crazy person was going to murder me so I figured it was time to go.

14 hour day today...that is nuts. And I'm not even up to date! That's what pisses me off. Its like this shit never ends.

Anyways, long story short...I'm exhausted but I didn't want to NOT write a blog post tonight. I'm persisting throught this 30 day challenge so you get a post like this tonight. Here's hoping that you don't get to many more of these.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Making Time

One of the down falls of having a busy schedule is that certain things have to give, and for me it was reading. For those that have known me for any length of time would know that I love me a good romance novel, in fact I've been reading them since I was 12 years old when my mother brought me home Love & Cherish by Dorothy Garlock.

With everything going on right now I really haven't had a lot of time to just sit down and read a novel, the few that I have finished have been in the form of audio books.

But one of the great things about traveling to The Pas, now that I have an iPad, is that I can read all the way there, regardless of the fact that it is pitch black outside. I actually got to finish a novel (Retribution by Sherrilyn Kenyon) I had bought a few months ago and only got half way through on the way up before I switched off with D to drive, and on the way home I started (AND finished!) another novel (More than a Mistress by Mary Balogh) as D drove the entire way. It was wonderful.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Common Ground

I am a chic flick/romantic comedy type of girl where as my husband LOVES a good slasher or gore movie....pretty much polar opposites. There are a few exceptions though that I enjoy watching the same show as him, specifically ones that have good character development and a dramatic plot line.

The tv shows Dexter and The Walking Dead would be ideal examples of shows that should not be the type I would enjoy. Serial killers and zombies tend to inspire fear and anxiety in the viewer but the writers and actors of these shows are incredible. They pull you into the stories, make you empathizes and look past the 'icky' parts.

D has a hard time understanding why I will willing follow these two but REFUSE to watch something like the Human Sentipede (don't get me started - disgusting) but my arguement continues to be that I watch them for the character development and the human story...not the horror. I enjoy seeing the characters thrive and grow DESPITE the crap that occurs.

We just finished watching the most recent episode of The Walking Dead and now I have the impatiently wait until next week to see what happens next. The cliff hanging endings is one this I could do with out, that's for sure!

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Lately when I've come to visit my family in The Pas, D and I spend the majority of our time at their houses and not venturing into town a lot, especially not to socialize.

This time I decided to change that and sent a message to five of the women I went to school with via Facebook, 4 of which live in The Pas and the fifth that was visiting her family as well, to get together over the weekend. Surprisingly, four of them were able to meet up today with me and I had them over for coffee. Considering the fact that I hadn't seen two of them since each of their weddings (which was years ago), it was nice to catch up with everyone.

One down fall in having a reunion like this is that we only had 2 hours together and since we were all 'catching up' we didn't really get to go into depth of anyone lives. Here's hoping that it doesn't take another 5 years to all be in the same room again.

Its been almost 12 years since we graduated from high school (god just writing that makes me feel old!) which has me thinking about our real high school reunion. Our class wasn't extremely close, like my sister's grade 2 years later was, so I am not even sure if they will be interested in having one but if we do I'm curious to see where everyone else is at in their lives by year 15 or maybe 20 out of high school.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Changing how I eat...

I'm sure I mentioned before that I need to lose weight but that isn't the only issue I have with my diet right now. For the last few months I have suffered off and on from uncomfortable heartburn, bloating and intestine issues. I had assumed that it had to do with my hormones being out of whack from the miscarriage but when I had my blood work done at the end of December, when I was given the Provera, I was told that my levels looked normal. Granted I still don't have my period so maybe there is something going on there but I think it has a lot to do with what I'm eating.

Although I don't eat terribly when I make meals, the fact that I RARELY make proper meals lately can't be helping my body. It isn't an excuse but I have been very busy with work and other commitments that I have been eating too much processed food and too irregularly.

After New Years my coworker and her husband decided to start the 17 Day Diet program, she has lost almost 30lbs already! I bought the book and attempted to do it with her but fell off the wagon after a week. It was too restrictive.

What I need is a diet change that reflects 'Clean Eating' not for weight loss but so that I'm no longer in discomfort. I was talking to D on our way up to The Pas yesterday about how the idea of creating a monthly meal plan hasn't worked for us because I'm usually home late and don't want to make dinner. I think what might work is if I make Sunday's my meal prep day for the week where I make all the lunches and dinners a head of time. Of course being in The Pas this weekend makes it hard to start this right away but I'm definitely going to try.

I'm tired of feeling less then perfect.

Any suggestions on how I can make my meals easily a head of time?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Road Trip

After getting out of work late, as usual recently, we left the city shortly after 6pm and made it to my parents just before 1am....a long drive but one we are use to.

D and I split the driving and some how I usually end up getting the second half which leaves me slapping my face and moving around to keep myself up for the last hour every time. As we don't really listen to the same type of music we have found headphones to be a must of road trips that just include the two of us. When we aren't having a conversation the person driving gets the vehicles speakers and the other person turns on their mp3 player and puts on their headphones.

For my half of the drive I like to play music that I can sing loudly along to. Here is a sample of my play list tonight:
  1. Chic Gamine
  2. Janelle Monea
  3. Tegan & Sara
  4. The Duhk's
  5. Knaan
  6. She and Him
  7. Sugarland
  8. Taylor Swift
  9. Adele
*I should probably put links to the music but its 1:30am and I'm exhausted....note the dedication to keeping up my 30 day challenge though, albeit a mediocre post!*

Do you sing loudly along to your playlist on road trips?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Going Home

Tomorrow D and I will be making a trip to visit my family since its a long weekend in Manitoba and also Trapper's Festival in The Pas. I'm not sure when I stopped thinking of The Pas as 'home' but over the years when I go back its now to see my family and that's about it.

I love my childhood home and am very happy that my sister and brother-in-law will be purchasing it from my parents, when they move to Cranberry Portage once their cottage is done, so that it 'stays in the family'.

There are a lot great things to do in the surrounding area of The Pas as there are beautiful lakes north of the town, but actually hanging out there isn't something I do much anymore. I visit my family and a few friends, and if we decide to go 'out' it is usually to the local legion for a Meat Draw...ironic since D and I cut meat out of our diet back in July.

I remember in university where I was in 'the city' for university and I would take any opportunity to go 'home'. I suppose its a positive thing that I've carved out a home here now. That I look forward to going home to my husband and our house.

What do you consider home?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Supplementing your income

Currently I have a career that provides a very good salary, one that I don't need to worry about supplementing with another job. This wasn't always the case. Previously I would work part time at Booster Juice and then I decided to try my hand at home party sales, first with Mary Kay (twice!) which I failed at miserably (twice!) mainly because I didn't believe in the product and couldn't ask for the sale, and then came Norwex. I love the Norwex product so selling it has never been a problem but actually making an effort to have bookings has been. My motivation hasn't been there but I remain a rep.

Now that I begin to plan for the future, which will include Mat Leave and possibly reduced hours at my job to be at home with our children, I am thinking about my options for supplementing my income again. Technically we are lucky that D also makes a very good salary so I don't HAVE to make as much as I do but lets be honest...I like my lifestyle and to keep it I need to continue to bring in a similar flow of money.

Being an accountant I could technically take on contract work for small companies but Norwex is still an option that I am seriously entertaining.

Do you supplement your income or did you just reduce your cost of living?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What's your love language?

Over the summer I read listened to the audio book of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman which discusses the idea that although everyone wants to be loved and shows that they love others, not everyone interprets love the same way. Being Valentine's Day I thought it would be an appropriate time to write about it.

Basically he breaks the languages into the following five categories (and I apologizes if I don't get the exact terminology'll just have to read the book!) that people will use to show others that they care about them:
  1. Physical Touch - This doesn't just mean sex, but also includes the cuddling on the couch, hand holding, kissing before you head off to work, a nice hug, etc.
  2. Acts of Labour - Housework, cooking, taking the garbage out, making sure the vehicle is in safe working order
  3. Quality Time - Spending time together; going on walks/drives, doing activities together
  4. Gifts/Tokens - This doesn't necessarily mean expensive items, although some people measure value that way, it can also be the flower you pick on the way home from a walk, something you've made, a token of appreciation.
  5. Words of Affirmation - actually saying the words "I Love You", telling them that they look nice, vocalizing what your are feeling.
The idea is that just because you value 1 & 4 above the others doesn't mean your partner does, they may be a 2 all the way. So even though you bring them flowers and kiss them every morning when you wake up, all they can think of is "Why won't he just take out the garbage! Doesn't he care about me and all the hard work I do around this house for us?"

I found it extremely relevant to my relationship with my husband, since I identify most with 5, and a close second 4, but those are the LEAST important things to him. Once I realized that I was able to see how he was tell me he cared through 1, 2 & 3. As must as 2 is the LEAST important to me I now make more of an effort to help around the house because I know that it is really important to him.

The next step is to get HIM to read the book (or at least the Cole's notes version!) so that he would understand when I try explaining to him that his nagging me to clean, eat better, go to the gym etc is the WORST thing you can do to motivate me.

I find the book also interesting when I apply it to other people, where I try to understand why they approach things a certain way.

I definitely recommend this as a book to read. Gary Chapman has written a few other marriage books and I decided to pick up another one of his audio books, despite the reviews that said it was overly preachy...I really should have listened to them. It read more like a sermon, referencing way to many bible verses making it hard to relate to. I have only made it to chapter 2.

Have you ever read a good relationship book?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Acceptance and Letting Go

Today is potentially a big day for me. I think I am finally at a point in this trying to conceive journey where I can turn down the crazy. I calmly accepted the fact that the multiple tests that came back negative in the last two weeks weren't 'wrong' or just testing to early, rather I am NOT pregnant. And the fact that I haven't gotten my period probably has more to do with the fact that I've been over analysing and stressing out about the what ifs.

I'm not really sure how to explain the difference I feel today, saying that I accept that I'm not pregnant and won't be for awhile, verses the rational voice I have been trying to use over the last month to calm do the crazy but it IS different.

The most important part of this is I think I might be prepared to let go of the idea of having to get pregnant ASAP. That I can afford to wait a few months.

To explain why this is an issue for me, I am currently surrounded by pregnant women. SERIOUSLY! This isn't just coworkers and acquaintances. These are the women that I am close with. My sister, along with my husband's best friend's wife, my workout partner and my bridesmaid. And then there are the random friends on facebook. If it was just them it wouldn't be an issue but because the previous four are all due between now and July I so wanted to be pregnant WITH them, to be on mat leave WITH them. I realize that 3 out of the 4 have been married for years now where as I JUST got married but it doesn't change the fact that I wanted to experience this at the same time.

I am 100% excited and happy for all four of them. I can't WAIT to be an aunt. I am also pissed off at the gods that I WAS pregnant BEFORE them and now I might not have a baby until 2013 (or later!). I know that it could have been the opposite. I might have been the only pregnant this year and they may not have gotten pregnant until 2013 so we still wouldn't have our children at the same time but that type of logical was ignored by the crazy me. Once the option was available I really wanted to go through everything together.

So today is big for me because I'm ready to let go of that 'want'. I am prepared to wait, prepared for the chance that my friends will finish their mat leave before I go on mine, prepared to find other women to share the experience with when my time comes and prepared to go to these friends for advice of what worked for them. Perhaps the next time will be different. Perhaps having almost 12 months between our children will open up other opportunities. Perhaps it doesn't really matter.

I'm choosing to just be happy for the women I love and to stop stressing because I'm not there yet myself.

I am challenging myself to NOT write about trying to conceive for the rest of my 30 day challenge.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Good Cry

I don't know about you but I love a good cry once in awhile. I find it to be a huge stress release. Fortunately or un, I am not a huge crier when it comes to my real life. I think at one point, when I was younger, I did but now its a rare occurrence that I do more then get choked up or a little misty eyed. I'll cry in my car or alone in my bedroom after an overly stressful occurrence but not many times in front of others.

Unlike almost all of my female coworkers I don't think I have ever cried in front of our boss in the four years I have worked at this job, nor do I think I cried in front of my previous employer. As for in front of my husband...maybe a handful of times in the four years we have been together? And the majority of those times had NOTHING to do with him, rather he just walked in at the wrong time.

In fact, during my miscarriage I didn't really HAVE that 'good cry' that I probably needed. When I picked him up at the airport a few days after it happened, I had expectations of running into his arms and crying but life doesn't always play out the way it does in your head. He gave me a quick hug and kiss, and then ran to the bathroom...pretty anti climatic. I quietly drove him home while tears rolled down my cheeks but I didn't bother to tell him anything was 'wrong'. (Yes, I have a tendency to pick the wrong times to be a 'private' person and not share my problems)

Three weeks later when I found out I had to get my RH- shot NOW before the window closed, I called to tell him, he sounded more put out about leaving late to drive to my parents then concerned about me. I walked back to my office and enjoyed a 5 minute silent cry in the bathroom before I cleaned up and went back to work. I wrote him a long email explaining that I needed his support and that I had cried in the bathroom when I should have been able to cry on the phone to him. To his credit he called me back extremely apologetic that he didn't make my concern a priority but by then I was in control again.

Perhaps since I haven't really had a real good cry since my wedding (yeah that is a completely different story which I will tell another day, some parts amazing and others not so much), stress has been quietly building up inside of me. I keep saying that I'm NOT stressed when it is brought up as a possibility that maybe that is why my period hasn't arrived but now I am not so sure. Just because I don't feel like I'm at the end of my rope like I use to when I missed my period in the past (before I was on the pill), doesn't mean my body isn't retaining stress right now.

Although I am not a crier in 'real life' I AM a huge crier for sappy movies and novels. And I LOVE it. I was just discussing this topic tonight with my sister-in-law, on our way home from The Vow. Where, yes, I cried...big huge tears running freely down my face; quick, shuddering breathing...all and all a good messy looking cry, nothing pretty about how I looked walking out of the theater and it was GREAT.

There is just something allow yourself to get so caught up in a fictional world that you can let go and just cry like that. And the best part is that since it is a fictional world, when you wake up the next morning you aren't bombarded with all of the emotional baggage that sticks around when the drama is something from your real life. You can cry without having to worry about whether something will be solved or made worse because of it. You don't have to concern yourself with whether you will end out crying about it again or that you will still feel depressed. It is FREEING.

Now I had a nice cry in The Vow, the idea that he loved her that much, that he just wanted her to be happy, broke my heart and made me love the movie but it wasn't as messy of a cry as some of my past movie viewings have been and quite frankly I think its time that I have another really good, cry-yourself-to-sleep, cries. I just need to find one.

Previous memorable cry-yourself-to-sleep kinda movies for me have been:
  1. My Girl - this was my first crier. It ended with me bawling in my room at the age of 10 or 11, asking my parents, through heaving sobs, how they could LET me watch a movie like that! Little did I know that I would come to love movies like this.
  2. Love Story - I read the book first two years earlier and sobbed ridiculously until I fell asleep, so I didn't expect to do the same thing after the movie...I was wrong.
  3. Braveheart - Okay, when he knocks the Bruce's helmet off and sees it was him who betrayed him I LOST IT...cried so hard after that for the rest of the movie that I woke my sister and her friend up who had fallen asleep at the beginning of the movie because they had seen it already.
  4. Titanic - I had been told by my friends at the last movie we went to that they wouldn't go to another one with me if I cried through it in the theater (I was pretty noisy I guess), so I held it together while in the theater but as soon as I opened the car door and got in the back seat I was a HUGE mess. My father actually told me that if I couldn't pull it together I wouldn't be able to go to another movie...I think he just had know idea what to do with me.
  5. The Notebook - I had already seen the two previous Nicholas Sparks books made into movies (Message in a Bottle & A Walk to Remember) on DVD in the privacy of my home and had cried so I don't know why I thought it would be a great idea to go to this one ALONE at a theater. I had to run out of the theater when it was over and fell apart in my car where I sat in the parking lot for at least 15 minutes before I could drive myself home.
  6. My Sister's Keeper - I didn't get loud and embarrassing at this one but it was the earliest start for my crying. Within 10 minutes I was lost and continued silently for the rest of the movie. My shirt was soaked with my tears when I left.
I have cried in many other movies but these were my favorite. Ones that I fondly remember and would watch again....and probably cry in again too. I actually just saw the preview for the 3D version of Titanic that is coming out and I got choked up.

Now my question is what should I watch now to give me my next GOOD CRY? I think I really need it...

Board Games Night

Editorial Note: Okay....I realize that it is TECHNICALLY Sunday but I've decided to treat my days like the bars do. The 'day' isn't over until I go to bed, kinda like the 'until they close the bar for the night'. Today was a busy day, museum sleepover done by 9am, met my sister and friend for breakfast directly after, shopped with them in the morning, exhausted by 2pm, went home and napped until 5pm, left to pick up my sister-in-law and went to friends for the evening. Totally planned to be home no later then 11:30pm so that I would still have time to post, that didn't happen. Just got in the door now, at 1:30am. So give me props that I still opened my laptop rather than just going to bed and saying f**k it!

Tonight my sister-in-law and I went to our friends to play board games, something we haven't done in a few months and was long overdue. We didn't bother to invite my husband even though the guy friend is his best friend as he does not like board games and I hate continuously reminding him of the rules through out a game only to have him win because we all helped him out. I, on the other hand, LOVE boardgames, specifically strategy games. I'm not a huge fan of games that rely to much on the luck of a dice roll but a game that I have to think hard to play is one of my favorite socializing things to do.

They had just purchased a few new games through an online dealer we had discovered 3 years ago when we were attending Fan Expo in Toronto (yes, I am a geek, married to one and friend with many), called Fun Games Cafe. We decided to try one of their new purchases called Letter from Whitechapel. I think it definitely was one that we will fit into our rotation and after the rules were completely explained very engrossing.

{Letters from Whitechapel is a crime and investigation game, created by the same game designers of Garibaldi and Mister X - Flight Through Europe, inspired by the Jack the Ripper murders and the desperate attempts by Scotland Yard to stop his bloody killing.

Night after night, the player who controls Jack commits a new murder and attempts to reach his hideout, while the other players, in the role of detectives, try to track him down, collecting clues that can lead to his capture. - via Fun Games Cafe}

If you are like me and joy a good board game, here are my favorites, in no particular order:


Settlers of Catan

Ticket to Ride

If you play board games have you played any of the ones I listed as my favorites? Do you have a suggestion for us to try?

Friday, February 10, 2012

The headaches of volunteering

I am a girl guide leader for a local Sparks unit, which means I plan and supervise weekly meetings that include singing, activities, games and crafts with 5-6 year old girls. This year I have 12 girls enrolled and have one other guider to help me run the meetings.

When I was growing up I went through the girl guide program from start to finish (Brownies, Girl Guides, Pathfinders and Rangers/Junior Leaders, although Sparks didn't exist when I was 5) but when I moved away to attend university I didn't continue. In fact it was only last year, 10 years since I was a junior leader, that I signed up as a guider. I did so for two reasons.

  1. I wanted to volunteer somewhere, as I hadn't since high school, and believe that the Girl Guide organization is truly a great place for girls to build confidence and learn interesting skills.
  2. My sister had been a guider for the last few years and peer pressure is an amazing thing.
Last year's unit only had 8 girls, 2 of whom rarely showed up. Also the majority of the girls were 6 years old which meant that they had already been exposed to structure and rules at school for a year so had an easier time listening and behaving during meetings. 2 guiders were more then enough.

This year...not so much!

We have alot of 5 year olds, not to mention all 12 girls show up for almost EVERY meeting. I did not expect it to be that much hard to run a meeting with 4-6 more girls but let me tell you....

Having only one assisting guider is getting to be not enough but unfortunately none of my other friends have shown a huge interest in joining. I'm sure I could twist some arms but I really want women that WANT to be there, not just there to do me a favor. I am now considering asking the mothers of my Sparks if one or two of them would be interested in helping out. I hesitated on this because I think that it would be difficult to tell a girl she is misbehaving in front of her mother, as well as I don't want a mother to come and just 'hang out' with her daughter. I need her to assist with preparation of crafts, activities and snacks, as well as just helping me keep them from running and screaming everywhere!

Which brings me to my newest headache with volunteering. For some reason, some people don't realize that I'm actually a VOLUNTEER, not a paid employee which means I have a full time job during the day. It is not my job to chase after you when you don't submit things on time, nor can I read minds and know that you do not understand a process.

Tonight we are going to the Manitoba Museum of Man & Nature for a sleepover. It is an area event, not a unit one, which means that I don't plan it and it isn't only my 12 girl going, rather 150 girls from sparks, brownies and guides will be attending.

When I sent out the information I told mothers they would be welcome to come as well to act as supervisors. The mothers that chose to attend were informed be me in person that they were required by Girl Guides of Canada to have a background check done and that they needed to contact our provincial office to do this.

Two of the four had no problems, the third misunderstood me and when to the Province of Manitoba's Court offices to get a background check done (this was sorted out but cost her additional money), and the fourth one...on the fourth one....

She submitted the form when I sent her a reminder from our area along with links to provincials forms (links I did NOT have earlier) but she didn't complete it and it was rejected. I was told yesterday that they would not be able to submit a new one in time for her to be approved to attend tonight, which I forwarded to her, and proceeded to receive a wonderful email this morning informing me (and cc'ing area) that she was "extremely disappointed in the lack of communication" on my part to properly inform parents of the change in required paperwork, that she didn't receive emails or paperwork from our organization other then the last minute email reminder. EXCUSE ME?!?!

In an attempt to remain diplomatic I apologized that this situation occurred but reminded her I had spoken to her IN PERSON about the requires, at which time I had told her I don't handle that part and she had to contact the provincial office. Not to mention there was no change as she mentioned. This had always been a requirement. Lastly I told her that I am always available via email, phone and before/after meetings to answer questions and address concerns.

Rather then dropping it, she insists that she had no other information and that she has 'spoken to other parents' who agree with her. Really?!? Well then why the f**k doesn't anyone say something to me? I'm not a mind reader. (Of course that wasn't my response but I wish it could have been. I remained diplomatic.)

In the end, area was able to rush through her second application and she was approved which means she will be attending tonight. My questions is, does she not realize that she will be in close proximity to me for over 4 hours tonight, as well as sleeping close to me, as we are grouped with our units? I am fully prepared to say everything I wrote in my emails to her face if she brings it up, is she prepared to be as rude in person?

I understand being frustrated when things don't go smoothly but when you originally didn't even register your daughter and yourself by the deposit deadline and because I was kind enough to pay personally for additional spots because I KNEW some would be late which allowed you to still get in you think you would be a little more courteous. Not to mention I volunteer my time weekly to create a place for your daughter to meet new friends and come out of her extremely shy self.

Really long story short, I won't quit guiding because of people like this but it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could tell them to go F**K their selves.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Why Google isn't always the best answer...

I woke up today with really itchy breasts/nipples (sorry if this wasn't this is too much information for some people). It is day 32 of my cycle and still no period. As I never really paid attention to my breasts during my menstrual cycle BEFORE I started trying, I don't remember if this actually happened regularly for me.

I decided that this was worth pulling out a test...I know, I know...I said I would wait but HELLO! my breasts are ridiculously itchy right now, you try and patiently wait when an obvious early pregnancy sign shows up.

Regardless the test was a resounding NEGATIVE, again. Perhaps my cycle is really long and it is still too early for my HCG hormone to show up? More likely it is a pre menstrual sign for me. We'll see how it pans out in the next few days.

Wanting to have more answers or basically just read stuff that reconfirms my 'theories', I turned to my trusty friend Google and typed in "sensitive breasts during period". I was rewarded with a lot of stuff that I already knew. I then thought, well mine aren't so much sensitive as they are itchy, so I typed in "itchy breasts" and the results came back "BREAST CANCER". Are you kidding me?!! So rather then turn into a true hypochondriac I decided to end my search at this point and not even bother to open any of the links that were provided.

Sometimes Google is NOT the best answer...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Trying to ignore my obsessive tendencies...

Not sure what I was thinking making a challenge to myself to post EVERYDAY just after the payroll & AR clerk in my division quit and I am currently juggling her position on top of mine, while we look for a replacement for HER replacement (we replaced her internally with a recruiter but now we need to get another recruiter before this one can take over the payroll and AR responsibilities), but I want to give it my best attempt to make it every day so I'm logging on late after our AGM tonight.

So tomorrow will mark a 32 day cycle for me and I still haven't gotten my period. You already know that I told myself to not take another test until I was late but that doesn't stop me from worrying. Worrying about whether my period will actually come, regardless of being pregnant.

Normally I consider myself the calm one in our relationship and my husband is the worrier. Everyone that knows us will agree. D can't help but fixate on the littlest of issues. My friend referred to it as 'festering' once and I completely agree. He'll ask me the same question over and over again once he's decided its an issue until its solved. Its to the point that I either snap or tune him out. I don't even bring certain things up because I know they would be catalysts to a night listening to what ifs. But when it comes to this whole trying to conceive my rational, calm side takes a back seat to the crazy. I honestly have arguements inside my head where one part is tell the other part to take a chill pill. Currently the calm, rational me is winning but its unlikely to continue if I don't menstrate by this weekend and test negative again.

I hate not being able to see what is going on side my body (in a nongross way). Wouldn't it be great to get memo's when your progestrone was going to spike or ovulation was on course for 16 days after menstration? Perhaps an owners manual could come along with you when you were born?

Basically I know I can't do anything but wait right now but here's hoping I'm not having to call my doctor next week to get another perscription of Provera or take more tests. I just want to go back to being NORMAL.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Journey to create a life of Balance & Contentment

Last fall I attended a retreat, a Leadership Development Intensive, were we worked on understanding ourselves and what really want in life as well as constructive ways to communicate and interact with others. One of the things I left with was my Greater Purpose Statement which is; "Acting without regard for other perception of me, I voice my true opinion & chose to create a life of balance & contentment".

One of the key points that I realized through this intensive and I suppose something I have been thinking about for awhile now, is that now that I'm not worrying about things like getting out of debt or whether I will meet the right man and getting married, I am concerned that I'm actually living the best life for myself. Basically I want to be confident that I'm making decisions that will leave me feeling HAPPY.

This doesn't mean that I don't have more trivial concerns on a day to day basis...need I remind you of my mini meltdown to crazy over the last week when it came to taking pregnancy tests? But what it does mean is that I'm confident with where I am in my life and I am no longer thinking that the grass is green on the other side of the fence or spending hours day dreaming about things that are far out of my reach.

I mentioned in a previous post about how I planned to set monthly resolutions for myself and one of the categories was Motivation. Under this motivation category I had mentioned that I wanted to start a book/women's club where we met regularly to discuss books that we read that helped keep up inspired to reach our goals and challenge what we think of as Happy. I wanted a positive environment where we could feel safe to talk about our problems and dreams. The problem was I had NO IDEA who would want to commit to something like that. Most of my close friends aren't really interested in sharing their innermost thoughts in front of others that would probably be strangers to them, nor do you want to just have the same women that you usually hang out with be the only ones to get together because it would become just another social gather which could quickly break down into just another night out with friends or be demoted as not a priority, or the few friends that I could think of that would really have the same commitment don't even live in the same province, let alone the same city.

Then I thought of my two female coworkers that I attended the LDI with. I consider them friends at work but we don't socialize alot outside of our office so I was hesitant to ask them, thinking that they would be put off by it and tell me they weren't interested. I finally decided to email them after I had a conversation with one of them where I had encouraged her to take advantage of our employee assistances program at work to help work through some family issues she was having. The three of us had shared a lot of our personal lifes with each other on our retreat, they know about my issues with some of my (ex)friends, my miscarriage, problems with my brother and so on, and I know that their personal lives aren't nearly as smooth as they appear at work.

The next morning I received replies back from both of them before I got to work and when I finally read them (yup I put it off for a few minutes thinking that I would be disappointed when they both said no) I was pleasantly surprised that they were both IN! So long story short we have scheduled our first get together for March 1st afterwork at my house.

Our first book is The Happiness Project - by Gretchen Rubin which I also mentioned in my previous post about resolutions and goal setting.

I think this experience should reinforce to me that I shouldn't always assume what others will think and then not do something for fear that that assumption will come true. I decided to ask even though I thought they would say no and now I was proven wrong and am very excitted!

Monday, February 6, 2012

A 30 Day Challenge...for now...

I love blogging. I love reading other peoples thoughts and opinions (especially friends...hint, hint), and I like having a venue to spew out mine (regardless of whether others are reading or not). Unfortunately I have a tendency to fall into slumps where I either have nothing to say or more likely too much to say but no idea where to start.

I wrote in my wedding blog consistently until I actually got married and when I had stuff to post of things I DID and not just wanted to do I stopped.

In an attempt to get into a habit of posting I have decided to take a 30 day challenge similar to my friend Erica's November challenge, although I don't care if I write just about me or about 'interesting' topics. ;) I am challenging myself to post once a day (either on this blog or on my wedding one, which definitely needs some updates) for the next 30 days, in other words, until March 7th.

Hopefully I will then continue to post at least twice a week or more going forward.

Here's to 30 days of writing!

The downside of trying to conceive

I have debated about continuing to post about my trying to conceive 'saga' now that I've made my blog public and some of my family and friends read it, mainly because I didn't want to be known as the women who has TROUBLE conceiving if I end up having a miscarriage in the future or can't conceive without fertility drug help. But I've decided that I've let you in this far so I might as well continue.

That being said, letting YOU in is completely different then posting about it on Facebook where high school classmates, coworkers and acquaintances are also reading. I feel its none of their business and I would rather not receive shallow comments of encouragement or sympathy. I will not be alerting facebook until I'm far along into my second trimester, perhaps even longer if the people I tell can hold back from congratulating me on my Facebook wall. Personally I would NEVER talk about someones pregnancy on their public wall unless its in response to their own status about it. Just because you know, doesn't mean they wanted everyone else to know....that is what private messages are for.

I am aware of the fact that I haven't really been trying that long. That I was able to conceive the second month after we started and that my miscarriage happened so early it is considered 'normal' by the medical standards so my doctor doesn't see why I shouldn't be able to conceive naturally within the next few months. It just feels like forever because of my three month hiatus from my period. Not to mention time slows down when you are counting it in weeks & days; 14-16 days from period to ovulation, 14 days from ovulation to period and when you can take a pregnancy test (if you are like me and can't wait until you are actually 'late').

This month I treated the second week after my period as an entire ovulation week since I'm not sure whether I'm going back to the 32 day cycle I was on or the average 28 day cycles. Since we conceived easily the first time I didn't stress about having sex every night and doing all the other old wives tales, nor do I bother with charting my temperature. Having sex every other night is good enough for me, if it happens it happens - although that sounds a little more laid back then I ACTUALLY am when it comes to me finding out and taking pregnancy tests, which brings us to my mini crazy episode I experienced this month.

Based on my calculations I shouldn't have taken an early detection test until this Saturday at the earliest, unfortunately my wanting NEEDING to know over road any common sense I pulled out a test on the Thursday. No surprise when it showed up NEGATIVE, so I threw it in the garbage immediately rather then wait the allotted 3 minutes. I started to second guess myself and 2 hours later pulled it out of the garbage to take a second look. Surprisingly the test appeared to have a faint line making the minus into a plus. "OMG!!" screams through my head, "my husband has super sperm" is the second thought. I figure the faint line is because its REALLY early so I plan to retest the next day, I bought a four pack from Costco so I was all set. Friday comes along and I retest but this time it stays NEGATIVE.

Okay, I tell myself, the other test (a Shopper's Drug Mart brand) must have been MORE sensitive then this Clear Blue one and I'll wait to retest on Saturday. (Now I realize that I should have stopped the retests and waited until I was ACTUALLY late but I told you already...I NEED to know!). Saturday and Sunday (yes that's right Sunday too) tests came back negative as well. So I'm now completely convinced that Clear Blue sucks and its the sticks fault. In fact when my sister (who is one of the only people I told) asks I tell her that the tests didn't work. She responds back, you mean they were negative, and I say yes, they didn't work. (Note how this is the only option in my opinion, not that I might actually NOT be pregnant).

So its now Monday and I decide that I'm giving myself ONE more shot, I go to Shoppers and pick up a test that is the same brand that gave me the faint + and take the test when I get to work. At this point, even if my period is on Friday I am only 4 days early so something should show up if I'm pregnant. I also tell myself that I'm being ridiculous and that this is it. I am not wasting another test until I am a few days late if this one comes up negative. It did and now I need to realize that the first one was the faulty one not the rest.

I googled false positive results and one of the main causes is when a women 'second guesses' and pulls the test out of the garbage hours later. The test is now invalid and may give weird results. Good to know that I'm not the only crazy women digging through garbage to have that second look though!

So here's hoping that I either get my period this week or I actually am pregnant and the hormone levels are still to low because I really don't want to have to keep taking hormones to cause my menstrual cycle to work.