Why I'm a terrible friend...

Fictional characters in my favorite television shows, movies and novels always seem to have that iconic BFF, the one that is with them through thick and thin. I assume I am not the only one out there that wants this for their selves and I have had some very close girl friends for long periods of time...I suppose that isn't a fair statement...I HAVE some very close girl friends.

But with the exception on my sister, who, at the sake of sounding sappy, has been my BFF since I was two, I can't seem to maintain that FOREVER part. I honestly thought I had it twice before but when things got tough we feel apart. For a long time I assumed I just had terrible taste in friends, that I chose 'takers' that only wanted to be my friend when I was doing what they wanted, that it wasn't me that ended the relationships but them...I was the GOOD person in the relationship. I was quite defensive.

Recently I have been giving this more thought and think I may have been a little naive. If I go with this theory then I devalue the relationship from the beginning and I honestly think when they were good they were as great as the best ones portrayed in the fictional world where things are always tied up in nice little bows at the end of an episode. I don't think its realistic that I merely had blinders on for 10 years and fooled myself that they cared about me. I believe that we were close.

I no longer believe that I was the 'GOOD' person in the relationship though....or at least that there was no 'good' person and 'bad' person.

I LET my relationships fall apart because I am too afraid that if I speak up and say that I don't like something they won't like me and will stop being my friend. Well jokes on me because by continuing to sit on the sidelines I allow my relationships to dissolve.

It isn't enough to write a passive aggressive text message or email when we have a disagreement. If I want to have a BFF, who tells me everything, then I need to do the same back. I SHOULD have overcome my uncomfort and picked up the phone or went over to see them in person, and while there I should have told them why I was upset and why they were important to me. And when it was all said and done I may still have been left with the remains of a friendship but at least I would have known that I actively tried to maintain it, instead having unresolved feelings hanging over me.

I feel like I let them down by not showing them that I cared enough to show up. I'm tired of playing the blame game in my head where my defenses are thrown up as soon as a thought like this enters my head and I yell back at it that my 'so called BFF' didn't 'show up' either and I shouldn't have to do all the work! Regardless of what the other person coulda/shoulda/woulda done, I know now what I need to do and I hope I don't forget this.

I feel like my 'breakups' have gone on too long now for me to decide to call them up. A little too late. They have moved on in their lives and probably have other close friends to confide in. Only time will tell if things will ever smooth out between us but I will strive to be better next time, regardless of who my BFF will be...

For right now I have joined the MWF seeking BFF (and yes I actually bought this book recently, but that is another story).