Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Stuck in a rut

Have you ever felt like your life is pretty awesome, everything is lining up the way you want it. In fact you might actually run outside the next time it rains and pull a Gene Kelly...

Nothing can get in your way, life is AWESOME!

Or so it seems on the surface.

In fact you actually feel pretty blah when you start to think about it. You think maybe its depression but then quickly push that aside because what do you have to be upset about? So on top of not feeling productive and motivated you feel guilty that you feel this way. You have wonderful pep talks with yourself where you remind yourself that you are IN CONTROL and if you don't like being the way you are then change. You don't really want to bring it up to anyone because you are ashamed that you can't pull yourself out of it. You think it will sound like you are having a pity party, because that's what it sounds like to yourself. Not to mention you know all of the pep talks already. You KNOW what you SHOULD be doing. Procrastination and complete avoidance become a daily habit and when ever anyone points it out you laugh and make a joke about it but really you hate that you are doing it.

Once in a while you will feel a burst of renewed energy and you think you are finally back to 'normal' but then you get pulled back in. You remember that you DID pull yourself out before but you can't really remember what the trigger was. And you are mad at yourself for forgetting.

That's me right now. Welcome to the inner turmoil of my mind.

I know that I should be able to shake this feeling. Some days I think I have but recently motivation hasn't been able to stick. I have escaped into 40+ novels in the last two months to avoid reality and am quite content to continue on this path. I hate that I am 40 lbs over weight right now, I've always fluctuated 15-20lbs from my ideal weight but never this much, and yet following a (doctor ordered) healthy meal plan has yet to happen. I work out but constantly skip because I'm 'tired' or don't push myself when I'm there. I have countless organizational projects on my to-do list with no really reason for them not to be completed. Not to mention the fact that I'm over a month behind on a major project at work which I have no real excuse for other then my lack of drive. And every time I remind myself of all this I get frustrated.

I feel like I'm missing something. That if I could just find the main problem everything else will fall into place. Previous mood swings like this resulted from problems that no longer exist for me; drowning in debt and being perpetually single and alone.

I am starting to think that perhaps it stems from the fact that I am currently not satisfied with my career choice but I don't know what to do. I love the company I work for and I have invested a lot of energy into completing my accounting designation. If this is the reason I'm not happy I don't know if I am prepared to make a change. I don't want to be the person that moves from job to job every 5 years nor do I want to quit my schooling when the finish line is with in sight but I also don't want to become my father, who thought the grass was always greener on the other side and yet stayed in a career that he was not passionate about for too many years. I also think maybe the dissatisfaction stems from burning out. I was juggling another desk back in February and March, and once that was over I haven't seemed to get back 'in the game'. It was like I had a chance to finally breath and my mind isn't ready to start up again. I've taken a vacation since then but the work load that never seems to end was there waiting for me. If I did change I don't know what would be 'better' and am afraid that it would just be a bandage.

Basically I'm stuck in a rut and I'm not sure how or when I'll be pulling myself out.

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