Not what I was expecting

So this is DEFINITELY not what I thought my second post would be about, regardless of how prepared I was for this outcome. I guess I was finally starting to accept the whole "I'm really pregnant" thing so was caught off guard.

**Please be aware that this may be TMI for some people***

Tuesday night I woke up to go to the bathroom only to be greeted with clots and brown "old" blood discharge. It was a lot more then what I would expect from normal 'spotting' but not as bad as the amount expected for a miscarriage. Not to mention that it wasn't 'fresh' blood.

To say that I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night was an understatement, as I was completely exhausted I called in sick to work and phoned my doctor's office to make an appointment. I couldn't get in until today which didn't relieve my worrying about the unknown but I didn't experience any further discharge for the rest of the day so I started to think that perhaps it was all good. My body just needed to rid itself of some old blood that had been sitting there since implantation or something else, and rather then do it slowly it got rid of it all at once.

Until I went to the bathroom just before bed and the discharge was back, still not 'fresh' but its there and is still here this morning. Its not heavy like my usual period but I feel more and more that this is not going to end in a happily.

I just got back from my doctor's appointment and I still don't have a confirmed answer as I have to have an ultrasound now (waiting to hear when that is!) but he was not hopeful. Along with the clots, which apparently are not a good sign, my hormone levels that came back from my lab work were a lot lower then expected, more like 4 weeks then the 6 weeks that they were suppose to be. This further adds to the likelihood that my pregnancy miscarried a few weeks ago and my body is just getting around to 'flushing' me out now. Until they do the ultrasound they won't know for sure.

My doctor has informed me that having a miscarriage has put me in a higher risk category (I was already higher then normal because I was 30 which was news to me since I thought I had until 35!) and will be referred to an OB-GYN as soon as I'm pregnant again.

I suppose there is a small chance that everything is still fine and obviously I would prefer it to be still 'okay' but I knew this would be a risk and at least I know now that D and I are fertile so we will start trying again as soon as I figure out when my next ovulation period is and hopefully it will happen quickly and stick this time.

Didn't expect this blog to turn into a "Trying To Conceive" one but that's life...throwing you curve balls.

Feelings that I'm currently experiencing:

1. Disappointed that we need to start again and that I will no longer be due around the same time as my friend (who also just found out she's expect).
2. Resigned to the fact that this is life and there really wasn't anything I could have done. Putting me in the higher risk category has now removed my reduced to ONE cup a day coffee consumption. Guess I'll need to start weening this addiction now so that I'm not suffering headaches when I can't take Advil! (Please note that I use to drink multiple cups a day and when I first found out that I was pregnant I cut it out completely, suffered from headaches, read that it was okay to have 200mg of caffeine a day while pregnant and so brought back ONE morning cup during the work week - there is a small part of me that wishes I had disregarded the Internet and 'What to expect when expecting' advice and never went back to caffeine but I realize that I can't play the what if game)
3. Reluctant as I am NOT looking forward to telling my in laws, as they were the only people we have told so far that I was on the fence about. My MIL is a little overly emotional and I do not want to listen to her cry about something I haven't really cried about! Nor do I want her obsessing the NEXT time I'm pregnant about what I'm doing and if the baby is okay.
4. Relieved that Facebook friends and work colleagues do NOT now that I was pregnant. We had chosen only tell a handful of people that we were comfortable sharing the bad news with and I'm glad we decided that because it would definitely suck having to update your facebook status as NOT pregnant and I absolutely hate the insincere condolences from people that rarely talk to you.
5. Optimistic that the second time will be the charm and now we just need to wait.

Is it terrible that I'm annoyed that my tarot card reader, who I have been going to for years now and find her very reliable, recently said (I went to her 2 weeks ago but didn't tell her I was pregnant because my friend that was with me didn't know) I would get pregnant quickly (check), that I thought it would take a long time but D was very fertile (check) and that I would have a very easy pregnancy.....(ummm). When I asked if she saw miscarriage and problems she said that it looked like a easy pregnancy. (So basic NO check) I realize that an educated woman, who is an accountant by trade, should not be putting her hopes into predictions from tarot cards but it is what it is. I believe in stuff like that and her so I keep going back to this think "it can't be a miscarriage, I was suppose to have an easy pregnancy" and then I think "but maybe the reason she didn't know I was pregnant 2 weeks ago was because my miscarriage had already happened and that the NEXT pregnancy would happen quickly...October!?...and THAT one will be easy." Crazy I know, but that's what goes through this girl's head.

So that's where we are at right now.