Monday, February 13, 2012

Acceptance and Letting Go

Today is potentially a big day for me. I think I am finally at a point in this trying to conceive journey where I can turn down the crazy. I calmly accepted the fact that the multiple tests that came back negative in the last two weeks weren't 'wrong' or just testing to early, rather I am NOT pregnant. And the fact that I haven't gotten my period probably has more to do with the fact that I've been over analysing and stressing out about the what ifs.

I'm not really sure how to explain the difference I feel today, saying that I accept that I'm not pregnant and won't be for awhile, verses the rational voice I have been trying to use over the last month to calm do the crazy but it IS different.

The most important part of this is I think I might be prepared to let go of the idea of having to get pregnant ASAP. That I can afford to wait a few months.

To explain why this is an issue for me, I am currently surrounded by pregnant women. SERIOUSLY! This isn't just coworkers and acquaintances. These are the women that I am close with. My sister, along with my husband's best friend's wife, my workout partner and my bridesmaid. And then there are the random friends on facebook. If it was just them it wouldn't be an issue but because the previous four are all due between now and July I so wanted to be pregnant WITH them, to be on mat leave WITH them. I realize that 3 out of the 4 have been married for years now where as I JUST got married but it doesn't change the fact that I wanted to experience this at the same time.

I am 100% excited and happy for all four of them. I can't WAIT to be an aunt. I am also pissed off at the gods that I WAS pregnant BEFORE them and now I might not have a baby until 2013 (or later!). I know that it could have been the opposite. I might have been the only pregnant this year and they may not have gotten pregnant until 2013 so we still wouldn't have our children at the same time but that type of logical was ignored by the crazy me. Once the option was available I really wanted to go through everything together.

So today is big for me because I'm ready to let go of that 'want'. I am prepared to wait, prepared for the chance that my friends will finish their mat leave before I go on mine, prepared to find other women to share the experience with when my time comes and prepared to go to these friends for advice of what worked for them. Perhaps the next time will be different. Perhaps having almost 12 months between our children will open up other opportunities. Perhaps it doesn't really matter.

I'm choosing to just be happy for the women I love and to stop stressing because I'm not there yet myself.

I am challenging myself to NOT write about trying to conceive for the rest of my 30 day challenge.